


it's not hard to fall

by MegLynn



Category: Rookie Blue
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-16
Updated: 2013-08-16
Packaged: 2017-12-23 15:19:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/928055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MegLynn/pseuds/MegLynn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's a couple of days later that Sam asks for his spare keys back. Post 3x10</p>
            </blockquote>





	it's not hard to fall

**Author's Note:**

> This was written last year.
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

She doesn't know what to do with herself when she gets home that night. There were few nights she and Sam didn't spend together in their months as a couple. And not one of those nights apart was after a fight. Let alone a break up.

It had taken her too long to compose herself after he left. Chris had come out to find her and took her home when she asked. She felt awful for not going back inside the bar to say goodbye to Traci, but her friend didn't deserve Andy dumping her issues on her. Chris hadn't asked her any questions except if she'd be alright alone.

Looking around her empty place now, she almost wishes she hadn't lied. She has no idea if Gail and Traci are coming back here tonight (although, she'd be surprised if Gail ever comes over again).

When she walks into her bedroom, the first thing she notices are all the clothes on the floor. Mostly hers. A few of his shirts. Before she thinks about it, she picks one up. It still smells like him. Tears gather in her eyes as she gets out her phone and starts to call him. She stops herself from following through. She can't honestly believe they're over, but somewhere in the back of her head, she at least acknowledges that he needs space.

Exhausted and hurt, she strips out of her clothes and puts on the shirt. Not caring what lights she left on, she curls up in the middle of her bed. She clings to a pillow, willing herself not to cry again. It's a useless wish.

\----

She feels numb the next day. Not even sure how she got to the barn. Doesn't hear a thing during parade. But she manages to note that Sam isn't there.

Andy's not surprised that he didn't show up. But apparently Oliver is since he asks her about it. While she hadn't been surprised, she couldn't honestly give him a reason why.

Oliver stares at her a moment after she answers before heading off. He shoots her another look as he heads out with Chris. Her friend must have said something to him about last night.

Nick finds her, letting her know they're paired together again, which is fine since he doesn't tend to talk much.

"How's Gail doing?" She went two hours without saying anything and she was fed up with the silence. Even in her mood.

"Okay, I guess. You know she and Traci stayed at my place last night, right?" Andy shook her head.

"They couldn't get a hold of you so I let them crash at my place. Didn't really know how uncomfortable my couch was till then." He smiles over at her, trying to ease the somewhat tense mood in the squad car. She wasn't really paying attention to him anymore, so he turns his attention back to the road.

Confused, Andy takes out her phone, wondering why she wouldn't have heard it ring. It's not like she slept well. Apparently she forgot to charge it and it died at some point. Perfect.

\----

It's a couple of days later that Sam asks for his spare keys back. Not sure why she's stunned (he hasn't made any steps to let her believe they're anything but done), she nods her understanding of his request. She heads back to the locker room, so that he doesn't see that she carries them on her. Looking down at the keys in her hand, she sits on one of the benches. She keeps trying to tell herself they're just keys, nothing to be upset over. It's not working well.

She must have been sitting there a while because Nick pokes his head in (literally just his head, it'd be a amusing if she wasn't about to break) to see if she's ready to go. A little numb, and lost to her thoughts, she gets up to follow him without a word.

Sam's back is to her when she comes out. Not comfortable with what might come out of her mouth, she taps his shoulder. He flinches a little at the touch, so instead of waiting for him to look at her, she just drops his keys on the desk he's standing next to and heads out.

It's that day Nick finds her book in the back of the squad car.

After reading the title: "Wow. Is it working?" Not pleased that he's so amused, she takes the book from him and throws it back to where it was.

"Not particularly well." He's still staring at her, some weird smile on his face like he knows something she doesn't.

"When did you pick this up anyway, it's only been a few days, yeah? You guys might still work it out." She grits her teeth.

"Why do you care?"

"We're partners. Thought maybe we were friends, too." Still a little frustrated, she doesn't respond for a minute.

"I got it a long time ago. After I broke up with the guy I was with before Sam. Thought maybe I'd try it out again."

"Ah. Detective Callaghan?" He's got that oddly amused look on his face again.

"Shut up."

\----

Home alone again later, she finally feels anger surge through her about what's happened. That she felt so blindsided by Sam ending it. That she still wanted to curl up and cry about it. That she missed him.

So she grabs a duffel bag and starts shoving all of his stuff into it. All the clothes he has there, even the shirt she'd been sleeping in, his bathroom supplies, the few odds and ends he has just laying around everywhere. After she finishes with that, she starts throwing away the food he has in her fridge and pantry. Anything that was his or reminded her of him, gone.

When she's done, she surveys her apartment from the living room. It wasn't as cathartic as she hoped it'd be.

She lets the bag sit by her door for days before she brings it with her to the barn, sick of looking at it. It's after a long shift that she decides to give it to him before she loses her nerve. He hesitates before taking it from her. She ends up standing there longer then she intended after he does and for the first time since that night, he looks her in the eye. She thought he might say something, but Oliver calls out his name. She leaves before she has to watch him walk away again.

\----

A few nights later she finally goes into the Penny. She gets there before most of the others do, she's more on top of her paperwork then she used to be. She finds Traci there though. She still finds it hard to go home. Andy worried about seeing her here so often now. But it wasn't long before she realized Traci was usually here for the company, wanting to heal with the help of her "family" instead of alone.

"Hey, Trace." She slides onto the barstool next to her friend and asks for a beer.

"Hey." She looks over at Andy. "How are you?"

She dismisses her question. "I'm fine. I should be asking you that."

"My answer's always the same. I'll be okay. It'll just take time." Traci looks down at her drink, just a soda for the moment. "I'd like that honestly from you, as well."

"I mean it, I'm fine." She takes a long sip from her drink.

"Yeah, as fine as Sam is." Andy looks over at Traci, wondering about her comment. "I went to Jerry's grave today, he was there." Andy waits to hear more, but she doesn't say anything else.

"Did you talk to him?"

"Yeah. Maybe you should, too." Andy frowns, wondering what the two could have talked about that is making her friend sound annoyed with her. She stops for a moment, thinking over what she's supposed to say.

"I - I guess I haven't really tried. It's over, he wanted out, so I'm letting him have what he wants."

Traci looks at her. "But it's not what you want, is it?"

Andy won't return her look when she answers. "No, but Sam is as stubborn as they come and I didn't want to push him even further away. I just - I don't' really know what to do, Trace." Her throat feels tight. This is the first time she's honestly talked about the break up to anyone.

"We're all kind of lost right now, Andy. And it's not like I'm on his side or whatever, but I'm just saying talk to him. Maybe nothing will happen, maybe it'll help."

"Help what? I want to be with Sam. But he's had all these thoughts and worries about us that he kept to himself and I don't know what to do with that. I didn't - I don't know what to say to him." She chokes on the next drink of her beer.

"Andy." Traci puts her arms around her, squeezing her close.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't be doing this to you," she sniffs.

"It's okay. You've been great to me, I don't mind being there for you if you need me."

Before either of them can say more, they hear Dov and Chris come into the bar, Nick and Gail trailing behind them. Andy excuses herself so she can splash some water on her face. When leaving the bathroom, she takes out her phone, debating whether she should call Sam now.

She decides to hang out with her friends tonight, not knowing what she'd say to him anyway.

\----

It's been nearly four weeks now and Andy still feels raw. She still freezes up every time she sees him, warring within herself whether to run and throw her arms around him or smack him or yell at him. She thinks it's why she hasn't tried to talk to him yet. And maybe a part of her (irrational or not) feels he should try talking to her first.

She's partnered with Chris today. She figured Sam must have said something to Frank because they haven't been partnered together once. Not that they haven't run into each other on cases. Always uncomfortable, that is. Unpleasant, at times. Even after all he said though, she misses riding with him sometimes. She guesses she fooled herself into thinking they worked well together.

She lets Chris drive, feeling too lost in her own thoughts to concentrate.

"Andy?" She looks over at her partner, wondering if he had been talking to her.

"Yeah, I'm good." He looks confused by her answer for a second before saying, "Okay."

They continue on with their shift, not much happening that day. They don't talk much, just chat about a few cases here and there, a little about Chris' romantic life. Or whatever it is. They're quiet for a while before Chris says something.

"So, you and Swarek? That's pretty tough."

Andy stares at him a moment after his comment. "Yeah, I guess it is."

"You know, I tried to talk to him the other week. Told him he needed to sort things out."

Bewildered, she asks him why he would do that.

"Well, he wasn't being very professional, the way he was talking to you and stuff. He shouldn't do that while we're on a case." She shakes her head at him, holding back a smile at his naiveté.

She doesn't say much after that, not sure what to make of Chris' words. She will admit, Sam hasn't been as harsh since then. But that's probably because he found ways to nearly completely avoid her at work.

\----

After one shift, she decides to hell with it, and follows through on calling Sam.

She only gets his voicemail though and hangs up. Thinking it over a minute, she tries again, still getting the voicemail but she leaves a short message this time. He doesn't call back that night, and she feels more dejected then she thinks she ought to by the time she gets into bed.

In the morning, she notices the beeping on her phone is not just the alarm to wake her up. At some point, she missed a call.

She sees it was Sam, but no voicemail and he only called once.

During parade, she feels Sam's eyes on her the entire time Frank speaks. It's unnerving, but she feels a little thrill at the same time. Until they're dismissed and she sees he's gone by the time she gets out of her seat.

She's paired with Nick again and they head out as soon as they can. She sees Sam standing by his cruiser, which is coincidently parked next to hers and Nick's. She guesses he's waiting for Dov since they're partnered today. When she moves to get into the driver's seat, she sees Sam coming around his vehicle towards her.

"McNally." Hesitating slightly, she stands up, keeping her door open. A barrier of sorts. "You, uh, called me last night."

He's speaking quietly, like he doesn't want anyone to overhear. Which is ridiculous because no one is around and Nick can't hear them inside the car. But she answers him just as softly.

"Um, yeah." She bites her lip, indecisive about what to say. "I wanted to talk. Just, to talk to you, I guess."

"Right. Yeah, I got home late last night, needed to charge my phone. I didn't notice till later." Her heart is hammering again her chest, hearing him actually explain why he didn't answer, why didn't call back till two in the morning. But he won't really look at her. Keeps his head down slightly, staring at something beyond her.

She takes a breath, not really knowing how much longer she can do this.

"Okay, if you can, can we talk later, after shift? If you're up to it. I don't - I was just thinking we should. Or at least, I'd like to," she adds, shyly.

"Yeah, maybe." He nods once and goes back to the driver's side of his cruiser. Surprised at how quickly he moves away, she looks over to see Dov coming. It takes her a second to pull herself together before she gets back into her vehicle.

\----

That day turns out to be hell. There was a multiple car pile-up that they had to deal with and they all ended up working a couple of hours after their shifts were supposed to be over. She's barely able to keep her head up by the time she's ready to go.

She's looking for Chris to ask for a ride home when she nearly runs into Sam as he's rounding a corner. He looks as exhausted as she feels.

"Headed out?" Too tired to do anything else, she nods. "Do you need a ride home?" Eyes wide, she stares at him.

Before she can stop herself, she asks: "Really? You wouldn't mind?"

In her state, she imagines she sees him smirk at her. "Yes, really. It's why I asked." She knows she sees him fidgeting. Like he can't stand still.

"That'd be nice, thanks."

Neither of them move at first. She shakes her head to try and wake up a little. He then moves his arm, making a motion for her to turn around. He doesn't follow close behind her as they make their way out.

As soon as they're in his truck, she knows they won't talk tonight. Not only is she too tired, she feels confused over how he's acting now. She doesn't think she'd have an idea of where to start their conversation. She's such a coward.

It's not as tense during the drive to her place as she thought it might be. Awkward though, knowing that he is strictly driving her home, to her empty apartment. She looks over at him as he drives. Both of his hands are gripping the wheel, flexing them every other second. She tries to decipher what might be running through his head. She used to amuse herself trying to read him.

When they arrive at her place, he lets her get out without a word. But as she's walking away, he calls her name.

He doesn't say anything at first and then: "I don't - I know it's not my place, but can you text me or something when you get in? Last time - just, if that's okay?"

She doesn't get it for a moment. A whole month now, he didn't care how she got home. But then she remembers the last time he dropped her off, the night Gail was taken.

"Uh, yeah. I can do that."

When she gets inside, she turns her lights on, goes through every room and texts Sam.

She didn't expect his reply a few minutes later, simply saying _thanks._

\----

Days later, she realizes he's not working as hard to avoid her. He still won't look her in the face, though. He asked her for a case file once and he looks at something just over her shoulder. It's annoying as hell. But she doesn't say anything.

When at the Penny after shift, she sees Sam sitting in the back, like he was that other night. It's the first time they've been in the bar at the same time since then. She takes a moment to study him, see if there are any cracks in his armour.

Oliver's talking to him right then, but Sam seems to be shaking him off. With what can only be a sigh of disgust, Oliver leaves him to head back to the bar for a drink. He sits with Noelle, shooting Sam a look every couple of minutes.

She feels an elbow in her side suddenly and turns to find the source. It's Traci, who's looking a bit annoyed with her.

"Sorry."

"Don't apologize, just go over there."

"It's really not that easy." That's not what she actually wants to say to her friend.

"You know he's not going to talk to you first, right?" She hangs her head, knowing Traci's right. She just hasn't wanted to admit it. "And you need to talk to him."

"I don't need to do anything," she snaps back at her.

"You'll never move on without saying something to him." Andy says nothing, not wanting to say out loud that she doesn't want to move on. She feels pathetic in a way, a part of her refusing to talk to Sam because she's scared of how it'll play out. "Or maybe by talking to him, you guys can work it out."

When Traci sees that Andy isn't willing to talk about it more, she turns to Gail on the other side of her, striking up a new conversation. Andy looks back over towards Sam, but he's not there. She looks over to where Oliver is, but he's not there either. She decides then to go for it, grabs her jacket and heads out the door, hoping she is able to catch him. He's still there, leaning against his truck. He doesn't move or flinch or anything when he spots her, like he was waiting for her.

She's not sure what to make of that.

"Hey." Sam finally looks at her. But she can see it on his face now, he doesn't know why he's still there. She sighs to herself before continuing.

"You know, I didn't want to believe you that night. Even after you drove off, it just didn't feel real. I think back on it now, and I'm being honest here, I really didn't see it coming."

He frowns at her. "You didn't think anything was wrong? That we were some picture perfect couple?" She scoffs at his tone. Thinking he didn't get to be sarcastic or angry at her right now. Not when she gave him all the fucking space he wanted.

"Is there no in-between with you, Sam? No, I didn't think we were perfect, but I sure as hell didn't think it was so bad that you wanted out."

"It wasn't that I wanted out, Andy, I needed out. Being with you - you make me compromise myself. I couldn't do it anymore." He rubs his face with his hands, not wanting to do this all over again.

There are a million different things she thinks she should say, but she doesn't know how. So she settles for: "I'm sorry."

He shakes his head at her, "No, Andy, no, I don't want you to be sorry."

"I can't really figure out what you want from me. Maybe I should have pushed you to talk before all of this, before Jerry - I don't know. I just, I really don't know Sam." She feels like she's two seconds away from crying but she thinks it's important not to. She's so lost and she is aching just standing here and he's right there and she wants this all to go away.

But it won't.

His puts his hands in his pockets when he steps forward, steps towards her, saying, "I guess, I guess I don't really know either. I didn't - this isn't what I wanted. I didn't want to hurt you but I couldn't keep going the way I was."

She feels some tears slip down her cheeks anyway. She thought she'd have so much to say, but everything she's wanted to say to him these past weeks are stuck in her throat.

"Andy -"

"Please, don't. I said I wanted to talk. And I do. It's just hard." She pauses, trying to pull herself together, not wanting to make this more unpleasant then it already was. "I never thought about how much our work relationship could hurt our personal one. Or vice versa, whatever. I just didn't think. I wanted to be with you and be a cop. I don't think I cared much about the compromises we had to make. Or that you would make." She wipes her cheeks, trying to stop the tears. "I was happy."

"I wasn't exactly miserable." He looked like he was now.

"I know. I wasn't trying to say you were. I was happy, so I was willing to overlook things I probably shouldn't have."

"This, me, this isn't your fault, Andy. I don't want you to think it is." He sighs. She sees how tired he looks.

She hates this feeling between them. Hates it. And right at that moment, she doesn't want to say anything else. There's still miles between them, but she doesn't want to worry about it right now.

She looks him in the eye, quietly pleased that his meets hers, and asks: "Can I just -?" She steps closer and like usual, he knows what she's thinking.

His arms come around her waist while she winds hers around his neck. He holds onto her as tightly as she him. His face buried in her hair, she breathes him in, still not wanting to admit how much she's missed him. She wants to say more now, but without settling other matters, it doesn't feel right.

So she just keeps clinging to him. Both of them ignoring the real world, hopeful this isn't the last time they hold on to one another.


End file.
